…siMpLe thoUght of MEdio…

after couple while..a long moment of self-closing and termination..i regain my gutz to open up again my blog. too many things should left behind. i was worried about. too coward facing the truth.

many things gone by. but still..there is something that last forever. no matter how hard i tried to kill.

In a relationship with some one. doubt.

" Lelah kuberjalan menelusuri hari,
  Menunggu sesuatu tuk melupakanmu,
  Wajah-wajah telah datang
  dan telah pergi,
  Tetap kusendiri dan merindukanmu…

  Ku kan menunggu,
  Saatnya jatuh cinta lagi…"   (Anggun)

hopely after this, i could move forward forgetting all those memory behind. such my first spring in an early winter.

Terima kasih Tuhan masih memberikan kehidupan ini sekali lagi…atas setiap hembusan nafas dan detak jantung hari ini…atas orang-orang yang belum siap untuk kutinggalkan.

i was in a car after having a job in Cipanas area. so tired and i fell a sleep at back seat while the car running fast at free-way. and suddenly the right-front tire was blown-up…the driver (luckily) still able to control the car which in speed of 120 km/hour not rolled over and thrown off from the road. Only with God’s miracle all the passangers were safe and there was no big accident happened, otherwise…

if i was died that day in that accident, perhaps it won’t felt hurt while i was sleeping. percaya atau tidak, saat istirahat Sholat - couple moment before the accident, something (i guess my intuition) whispered to me, to do "one good thing" before i left the Mosque. then i reminded to one wise man told about having a good-deed to protect your journey. i believe my intuition. and God save us.

i’m so afraid to die…i’m not ready yet. i cry. you can appreciate how meaningful your life after having so close to death. no…not now for me. i’m still alive…then so i cry.

the last face i saw before i fell asleep was the picture of you in my mobile…could be the last person i saw.

agung: AAC banget sih..

dhie_mario: hehe…ude nonton juga ya…

agung: Belon…

agung: agak malay gw nontonnya…

agung: tar aja kl
lagi pengen,,

dhie_mario:
ohh….gw pikir…trus lu tau dari mane??

agung: baca
resensi aja,,

agung: tuh film
kan intinya cuma 2,, yang kayak loe bilang tadi,….

agung: IKHLAS dan
SABAR…

dhie_mario:
mber…

agung: ada yang
punya casio nih kayaknya,,,

dhie_mario: satu
lagi….ternyata cinta dan keinginan untuk memiliki itu sangat berbeda…

dhie_mario:

agung: y iyalah
med..

agung: kemana aja
luh..

agung: kebanyakan
bolos loe ya…

agung: gw dah
sadari itu dari jaman gw smp kali jo..

agung: cuma yang
gw pahamin,,,bukan perbedaannya..

agung: penempatan
diri kita..

agung:
"Mencintai tidak harus memiliki"

agung: thas what i’ve learned bout love..

agung: saat kita memaksakan diri tuk memilikinya, maka itu
berarti kita tidak mencintainya sepenuh hati…

agung: karna cinta pada hakikatnya adalah kebahagiaan,,,

dhie_mario: agung….

dhie_mario: i have nothing to say else then…

agung: dan ujian cinta terberat adalah saat kita harus
meralakannya bahagia bersama orang lain..

agung: d situlah kita

kan

tahu setulus apa cinta kita padanya…

dhie_mario: bener
gung…

dhie_mario:
mmmpphhh….pengalaman pribadi ya….

agung: hee..
hee… y iyalah med…

dhie_mario: satu
hal yg selama ini paling gw takutin ketika tiba saat gw fall in with some
one…gw g akan pernah bisa milikin dia, dan gw bakal kehilangan dia….turn me
into a phobia to love…afraid to fall…

agung: dari mana lagi gw belajar kl g dari

sana

?

agung: hmmm.. let me tell u something…

agung: do not ever be affraid for everything you’ll do…

agung: you’ll got nothing…..

agung: loe g bakal belajar ap2 kl loe berprinsip begitu,,,,

dhie_mario: i better never learned than hurted.

agung: u WRONG….

dhie_mario: after what i’ve been through…i guess i’m not
wrong.

agung: WRONG…

agung: setiap
kali kita merasa ’sakit’ d situlah kita akan menjadi lebih baik,,,

agung: selama
kita masih tetap berpikiran positif

agung: yah kl
mang loe blm bisa begitu…

agung: ya tonton
lagi aja tuh AAC

agung: Belajar
deh tuh tentang "IKHLAS" dan "SABAR"

dhie_mario:
ngga’!!! gw g mau nonton tu film!!! g bagus…gw cuma suka kata2 itu aja kok….

agung: kebaikan
yang kita tanam kan berbuah kebaikan juga akhirnya.,..

dhie_mario: ni jg
lagi mencoba untuk Ikhlas gung….

agung: yah gitu
lah med..

agung: seberapa
sakit sih yang alu alamin??

agung: pernah loe
alamin yang gw alamin?

dhie_mario: gw g
tau lah gung…sometime gw ngerasa Allah tuh baik banget sama gw gung…He
gaves me everything i need and i want…except one thing….love.

agung: ditinggal married.. or .. d "culik" orang
karna gw masih berbenah??

agung: meed…

agung: falling in love is beautifull… trust me…

agung: sakit yang qta rasain

kan

memebawa kita pada cinta yang
sesungguhnya,,,

agung: dah dulu ah kuliah paginya,,, hee..

agung: lg g ada
gawean med?

dhie_mario:
mmpphh…okay…

dhie_mario: gw
sedang mencoba memahami kata2 lu pagi ini….

dhie_mario: g tau lah gung…i dont think i’ll be readdy for
my next jump….

agung: nih,,, gw cuma mau kasih ini,,, suatu saat lu
‘kenape2′ phamin ini and i hope u can understand what it means…

what an awkward i was…

yesterday
i went to Awal’s birthday and brought him a birthday cake. ternyata di
acaranya, dia undang anak2 angkatan dia..cuma gw, kukuh dan ratna yg
lintas angkatan…hehehe. it was about 15 to 18 people came around. i
was very late, so i miss the "dine" (and got really starved at
night!!). and there was goes the "birthday-first cake" moment, and i
was shocked when it was me he choose to accept that first cut!!
hahaha…i was kinnda supprised and being awkwared when all eyes get
stared at me pointing my gutz out!! hahaha…i
was afraid to swept-seeing the people around, and suddenly shifting my
awkwardness to a small chat with kukuh (still try to ignore others…i was
a truly great pretender!!!haha..). And what made it more ridiculous
was, Awal didn’t gave the cake to others, he just ate the second cut
and just let the cake round it self between the people…Gosshhhh!!!

kinnda flattered…    … huhuhu… thx ya Wal…

Last night I was having call with Syam. Damn!! It was such a really long time not seing him. I really miss him so much. It’s about a year (perhaps more) we’ve not seen each other, or even talk on the phone. We were busy each other made things in order in our life. Last time we met were on his visiting to Jakarta in early moment I started to work in the bureau.

We were talking on many thing and almost took half an hour. I was quite surprised the moment he told me that he’s goin’ to marry soon. After so many struggling and heart broken, he found his soulmate yet. But I bit doubt it, coz he told me that he do the Ta’aruf way (the Islamic way in finding future wife/husband without having date or engage phase. They were introduced each other by the person they trust and know very well whose recommending the candidate, learn the bio of each person, and if there’s any agreeable continued, they’ll going to meet each other.). But I think, perhaps that’s the way God gave him a right person.

He told me that he was abandoned by his ex-girlfriend after so many sacrifice he made (And I heard bout this too from Rici). He seems always got in trouble with girls he loved. I bit confuse ‘bout how life’s goes…Syam was a kind of a man who would do any thing for the one he love, but most person he love seems like to disappointed and hurt him. Left and abandon him away. But he never gave up (even though I know how hard it was for him to keep his head up high after, and rare to complain). Life is funny!! There’s a man who would ready to do any thing for the one he loves and sacrifice almost whole of his life, but all the thing he got in the end was disappointed, hurt and left. While I, the man who always pessimist about Love, but often to fall in with (most of) wrong person, also (often) to end up in misery, regret, and abandoned. Is there a place for guy like us be able to find our true love…a person who really want and ready perfectly to us…Gossshhh!!! That’s why I really hate to fall in Love!!!

I was quite touched when I heard how hurt he was in his relationship before…poor Syam!! But we laugh after, seing how stupid he was, fallen too deep to a wrong person and sacrifice too much to a girl that didn’t Love him anymore. Hahaha…I think he better reconsider me to be his boyfriend…hahaha…(coz he told me that how lucky I am if I got him!!)…you wish that dude!! I told him to better be luck next time, and ALWAYS remember to use his brain everytime he fall in again. Love may blind, but not fool, only when you want to use your brain to think!

I miss his family hospitality everytime I stay abroad during my holiday in Bali, especially his mother who always asked me to eat lot of food she made everytime I was there. Syam always act to be “look-good” (even though sometimes he look quite good…hahaha!!!), and truly has a confident inside him. He got a pure Balinesse accent for a Borneo man. He’s honest, caring and love to make happy people around him (especially his closed friend…and I counted!!). And he loves to make us laugh…ouuww…I miss him so much…and I miss my fellas while I was lived in Bali. Syam asked me to came by once, he’s lonely now in Bali. Our friends has separated. Only me whose lucky have Shinta here in Jakarta. Rici is in Portugal with her husband, so is Jose in Singapore. Frank is in East Timor while Yunita is still finishing her study at Jogja. Diah live in Bandung now. And I don’t know where Juwita is…

Ini film sebenarnya yang bener-bener pengen nonton ituh si Ratna…ngga’ bangget yah!!! Yaudah lah, dari pada gw mati boring di hotel (sebenernya si guest-house yg setara ma hotel bintang 3…biar

gaya

aje gw sebut hotel..ahahaha!!!), mending gw ikut die aje…gak rugi2 banget ini, lha wong dibayarin…hahaha…akhirnya berhubung gak ada kendaraan buat gw ke theater (hayyahh!!), gw minta lah si Awal buat jemput gw dipenginapan malam itu. Dengan sandal jepit ngembat punya temen sekamar gw plus penampilan yg blum berubah sejak pagi (hehehe…g boleh sirik!!), brangkat lah kita ke bioskop. Well, gosh!! Kenapa banyak banget masyarakat Serpong yang amat sangat tertarik sama ni phelem (udah 4 teater di buka, masih aja dapetnya yg jam 22.45!! GILING

kan

!!)…padahal, dari beberapa orang (yg udah menyaksikan film ini) yg gw minta komentar ttg ni film, sebagian besar memang kecewa. But that’s the fact…the famoucity of this book made people expected TOO MUCH to the movie, which in my own perspective, bagian ke tiga-perempat of whole movie wasn’t too bad lah (justru menimbulkan pemikiran dan penyadaran bagi diri gw sendiri…), yaitu bagian saat Fakhri difitnah memperkosa. Well, that part was the best scenes, especially the moment at the jail or at Aisah ask Fakhri to having Poligamy. Ya…cukup menyentuh lah…But the rest…SUCK!!! Sinetron abis!!! Secara lu ambil setting di Mesir, bukan berarti sah hampir semua kegiatan dan aktifitas berbahasa

Indonesia

(hanya karena ini film

Indonesia

). Lu cuman bakal nemuin bahasa Arabic (Or Mesir…I don’t know which one is right..) hanya dalam percakapan-percakapan singkat dan ayat-ayat Al-Quran (selebihnya ngga’…even di persidangan pun berbahasa Indo…get a life!!!). Gw belum tau gimana bukunya, tapi yang jelas gw gak terlalu suka filmnya. Ngga’ dapet bangget!!!

Yang gw suka dari film ini mungkin karakter dari Maria and Nurul…they play well. Dan mungkin yang paling bagus. Untuk karakter Fakhri sendiri, even dia jago banget nangisnya, tetep kurang kena euy…mmpphhh…sayang sebenernya, karena menurut teman-teman, apa yang ada di buku tidak tergambar indah di film tersebut…dan saya yang hanya berada di posisi penonton hanya bisa berkomentar, apa lagi nonton secara gratis (ya untungnya sih begitu, jadi kritiknya gak sadis-sadis banget…hahaha). Over all…biar ditawarin untuk nonton sekali lagi gratisan jg gw mungkin gak akan ragu2 untuk menolaknya…hehehe…wasting time aje…uuppzzz, sworry…ya, ini kan hanya berdasarkan sudut pandang orang awam penikmat film2 berkualitas…hehe. Like it or not, all up to you lah..

Words that inspired me…

“karena Allah sedang berbicara kepada mu…untuk ikhlas, dan bersabar.” (Aisyah)

“Cinta dan keinginan untuk memiliki sangatlah berbeda.” (Maria)

“Jodoh tidak turun dari langit…melainkan dari hati…” (Fakhri)

Kena banget sih buat keadaan gw… L

"aku
tidak merasa kalah dalam penantian ini..", aku hanya merasa lelah yang
teramat sangat. setelah mengurung hatiku dalam cinta yang tak pernah terjawab.
seperti duri yang tidak pernah kusadari seberapa dalam meninggalkan luka perih.
menikmati sakitnya sampai tak terasa lagi luka telah mengalirkan darah. begitu
dalamnya cinta sampai tak bisa kubedakan lagi mana tangis, mana tawa.
dua-duanya jadi satu dalam butiran nelangsa. terbata dalam kata, tertatih dalam
jejaknya. aku mulai kecewa. perlahan tapi pasti tertahan tapi tak punya daya
aku untuk kembali. aku mungkin telah pergi tapi tak pernah berlari dari mu…..

- took fr anonymus -

Selama ini saya lebih memilih untuk keep silent dibanding bicara dan menyakiti. Amat sangat berat untuk memulai hal itu…Saya sadar selama ini banyak perkataan maupun tindakan saya yang tidak jarang sering menyinggung bahkan menyakiti perasaan sesama (orang-orang yang dekat dengan saya selama ini)…Dan saya pun merasakan sakit seperti yang mereka rasakan…Yang sebenarnya saya timbulkan sendiri. So…saya lebih memilih untuk diam dari pada terus menyakiti orang-orang terdekat disekeliling saya…

Banyak orang yang salah persepsi tentang kebisuan saya…dan ternyata memilih untuk tetap manjaga jarak dalam kebisuan bukan selamanya hal yang paling tepat. Tapi tetap saya akan pilih diam dari pada terus berbicara dan menyakiti. Ternyata untuk sebagian besar orang, diam bukanlah hal yang mudah. Dan menyakiti orang lain (walaupun tanpa disengaja) akan amat sangat mudah untuk dilakukan apabila kita terlalu banyak berujar. Emosi…

Dengan diam kita bisa berpikir…dengan diam kita bisa melihat kejelasan…dalam diam kita bersabar…dan saat diam kita akan…tahu. Dan satu hal yang pasti…kita berhenti untuk menyakiti.

Kalaupun saya bisa memilih…saya ingin break untuk beberapa saat dari kehidupan saya yang sekarang. dan saat saya siap untuk kembali, apabila saat itu akan pernah tiba, i don’t want you or anybody reminded me to the pain or heartache that i had thru. Dan mungkin ketika saat itu tiba…keadaan akan berubah…atau bahkan menjadi lain…sesuatu yang…tidak kamu, aku atau orang lain sekali pun tahu…dan pastikan.

Saya sudah mencoba untuk diam, dan saya sudah cukup tenang untuk bisa menjauh.

Yah…another day yet came away.

this afternoon i spent my time with checkin’ out my friendster…till i came to a picture of us couple years ago (before you left … hahaha). suddenly i reminded to a moment, not too long but it leave a mark quite eternal…and why the music played here somehow suit to the moment!! (Lara Fabian - I Will Love Again).

I don’t know where are you by now…and still try to deny that i really want to know it…

Damn…today i feel very upsad and dissappointed to my day!! i’m at Yogyakarta for some job here. but everything seems goin’ upside-down. i thought i’m gonna having some stress release here from my routine, but i’m not abseloutly right! it more depressed out here. don’t even try to make any mistakes or everyone will yell out on you! DAMN!!

i came here at 4 in the morning (suddenly reminded to Gwen Steffany’s song!) without having any bed to slept! the Guest house are all booked! so i awake till morning came out, after some torturing being stayed for 12 hours car tripping from Jakarta to Yogyakarta!! so we decided to stay at Jayakarta Hotel (better that Plaza Hotel last year i guess..) and came at 10 am. i had some trip while having my lunch here at some a-la-carte restaurant in the middle of town (i forgot the name), and trully…they had awful taste food!! cheap but shame! i loose my appetitte. then me and my office-mate came around to Malioboro’s street (where you can find any art things here!), but shame on me coz my pal parked the car at the end corner of the street while the things that i look for are in the other side of the street that quite far away from the park yard. i spent almost 30 minutes walking (while choosing things around the path) to reach the place i headed (and almost take more than an hour to came back). the result was anger also mad faces from people who was waiting quite long for me to came back at the meeting point!! it wasn’t my fault at all!! i didn’t want to find Batik handy craft stuffs and such!!! and i really feeling guilty after…and it ruin my mood. eventhough so, but they still keep looks fine with me, and still talk like nothing happenenned. i really lost my mood after!!

Now i’m really tired to whole this day…i really need a good sleep at a really good bed…hope everything’s fine tomorrow…

ow, btw…i killed my bored by swimming 100m acrossing the pool. cool, it refreshing after tired so much.